Tuesday, 1 October 2013

I feel the thunder in my heart
That I just can't control
I feel the thunder in my heart
Should I walk away...or follow my soul

I have been feeling strangely a little melancholic this week.  Not that melancholy is strange...but the fact that the change in my mood has been so quick, so dramatic and so different.  Well, maybe not that dramatic, not like anyone else might notice but I have felt it keenly.  It’s kind of hard to explain.  I am still very much on a high from my holiday and find it easy to slip back into that holiday glow whenever I want.  To remember and relive the highlights and feelings that were so strong and so instrumental in my acceptance of who I am.  I came away from my trip with a fantastic and new approach to my life....but there is a flip side.  The flip side being that I really seem to feel the parts that are missing in my life so much stronger than before.  Not that I am unhappy in my current life, of course there are always things that can improve, but the basic foundations of my life...I am happy with.  But there is no mistaking my longing for what is missing in my life...and the fact that this longing has become so much stronger since I returned.

To say that I have been decidedly fidgety since my return is an understatement.  I have not been in a relationship for several years...mostly through my own choice...but to say I wasn’t open to a relationship would be wrong.  Unfortunately due to circumstances already covered this is not an easy arena for me, but I would certainly welcome someone special in my life.  I guess I always hoped that someone would come across my path...and there would be an instant connection.  I guess I am a hopeless romantic J  Then there is my past...almost a constant longing...unfinished business you could say.  And this has been in my mind so much in the past weeks.  Is it just a case of wishful thinking...of wanting something I cannot have...or just another “comfort zone”? 

Something very important I have realised about myself...is that some of my comfort zones, are the most unhappy parts of my life.  The things I want to change the most are the hardest because even though I KNOW they make me unhappy, they also make me feel the most comfortable.    On some unconscious level I know that if I find the courage and strength to change these things, then the future is unsure...I don’t know what to expect because it is different from what I know...and that is scary, so I revert back to my comfort zone........no matter how unhappy I am with it.  On the other hand I know that if I find the courage and strength to change these things, then my future could be SO much more.  I feel these bonds are the ones that, if I break them, there is no holding me back, and things will fall into place. So, how do I break this destructive catch 22???  Oh, I know the answer to that....self confidence and strong will.  Easy...right??

Something about me...I am very good at giving advice, but not very good at taking my own advice.  Sometimes it makes me feel a little like a fraud.  Not that I think my advice is wrong...it is good advice...but that sometimes I feel like a hypocrite...do as I say...not as I do (another comfort zone).  So, now I feel very much on the brink of a personal precipice.  Do I stay on solid ground to accept and learn to live with my comfort zones or do I take the leap and trust that courage and strength will keep me above the despondency and self destructiveness of the crash and burn?

I’m ready...I’m willing to take the chance...and to make a change.  Life is there to be lived and to be lived to the fullest...to the best of our potential.  Not to just sit back in our comfort zones and let the best of life pass us by before we realise it is too late.

It’s time to jump.....

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