Monday 16 December 2013


 
Fat bottomed girls……

On the weekend I saw something that disturbed me.  And the more I thought about it, the more disturbed I became.  I was visiting a nationwide chain department store and my daughter and I were browsing through the ladies section when we came across a rack of clothes that made me do a second take.  As usual, you scan the rack of clothes to look for material, patterns or styles of clothes that catch your eye but when I looked at the small, coloured, sizing clips on the top of the hanger, I received a surprise.  The sizes on the rack went 4,6,8,12 etc.  I looked again, checked which section we were in, then pulled out one of the “4”s.  The design could have been adult but could well have been a tween design also…shoestring straps, midriff cut, frill around the bottom, the material was nice and after checking the size of the item, it was clearly marked 4.  I checked some other racks in the same area and found more hanger sizing that started with 4,6,8.

My first thought was a puzzled “What the??” My next thought was “Has the world gone mad?”  My thoughts since then have been “Why?”  Any women shopper knows that sizing is definitely not universal.  What could be a size 12 in one brand could be a size 10 or 14 in another brand…and don’t get me started on the whole S, M, L sizing! Also sizing changes from country to country…you only have to pick up a fashion mag to see skin and bone models wearing size 0’s.  Is this where we are heading??  Is this the message we want to give to Australian women?  Have some of the brands in this nationwide chain store started reducing their sizes to accommodate to the increasingly skinny sized frames of women – Definitely not if you believe the national consensus that obesity is on the increase.  Or is it just another way that the so called importance of image is being shoved down our throats just to make us even more subconscious and guilty about the way we look?

I have a teenage daughter and I hope that I am succeeding in teaching her how to be confident and to have self-worth without having to starve herself to be stick thin.  Skinny models are everywhere you look, and in every magazine or paper you look at and in every ad and program on TV.  When is enough going to be enough?  I thought that the sizing in women’s clothes were adequate enough……obviously, I was wrong!

Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin’world go round….

 

 

Tuesday 10 December 2013


I believe the children are the future….

It seems poignant that I was thinking of Nelson Mandela only weeks before his death…..but let me start at the beginning…..

I have seen several TV programs recently that started to make me think about children and how we influence them.   The first program I saw was about the skinhead movement in America.  It shadowed a well-known speaker as he moved within the skinhead society, speaking at rallies and promoting the white nation notion.  This program disturbed me deeply as it showed instances where children were subjected to their parents ideas and prejudices pertaining to anyone that was not white….ie coloureds, Jews, Hispanics…and when they discovered that the interviewee was possibly a Jew, they were visibly upset and disgusted that they had been so “violated”.  I couldn’t believe that people still thought this way, that they were teaching their children to think this way.  That they could hold such hate for a people that they knew nothing about….and that they were passing this hatred to their children.

And it showed in their children….and that is what I found so sad….and so disturbing.  They had been raised to believe that coloured people and Jews, in particular, were races of people that needed to be wiped out completely and that they had nothing to offer to society….that they were dirty, stupid, incompetent and should be wiped out.  The hate that the children showed was so sad to me, and something so obviously taught to them by their parents.

The second program I saw was about the Amish society which is a way of life that has fascinated me.  The program showed an Amish family and the daily life that they followed.  The program was filmed in secret because if their church found out that they were speaking to a TV program and being filmed, they would be shunned by their society and they would be forced to become outsiders.  A big risk to take when their views and beliefs were on the line. 

This family lived without electricity, TV, telephones or computers as were the rules of their religion but in some ways they were trying to introduce some elements into their family life to make it a little easier.  Once again I was struck by how the parent’s lifestyle and beliefs were ingrained in their children from an early age and how much influence this was having on their children’s psyche.  These children were being bought up with good ideals, but their ideals were restrained within their restricted community.

A third program I saw was about the most hated family in the USA.  This family followed the religious ideals of the patriarch of the family and they shunned anyone that did not embrace their religion.  They were happy when people got ill, when natural disasters happened and when 911 happened.  They believe that if something bad happened to you, then you must have sinned and deserved to die.  That they live the ultimately perfect life and that they are the only people going to heaven.  Once again I was saddened by the children caught up in this religion.  Children forced to believe what they were told until it became the truth to them.

Children are like sponges.  They absorb everything around them.  They will suck in and believe what they are exposed to…...whether it is good or bad.  Parents need to understand that they do not own their children. They are only custodians of their health and wellbeing until they are old enough to make their own decisions. Children are their own people and circumstances that affect their growing up…linger long into their adulthood….and affect them in so many ways.  Is it not our duty to show the children of the world as much of the world that we can?  We need to expose them to as many of the different lifestyles, religions and ways of life that fill our world so that they can then make their own unbiased decisions once they reach adulthood…without prejudice.  I came across this quote from Nelson Mandela…and it summed up everything for me….

“No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion.  People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

It is so simple as a concept, but so mind boggling as a world ideal of peace, tolerance and acceptance.  So easy, and yet so difficult.  Like Mandela, I dream of a world where people are accepted no matter how they look, how they live, how they talk or what they believe.  And I believe that the key to this dream….is in our children.  Teach them to accept…and the dream with become reality.  Nelson Mandela was an amazing person.  May his dreams and hopes for a better world become a reality.

I believe the children are the future,
Teach them well and let them lead the way…..
 
 

 

Wednesday 27 November 2013


There is nothing as simple, nor more precious....

I am a single parent.  I have five wonderful children whose ages range from 14-19 and whom I have shared custody of for a week at a time.  This arrangement has been working for the past eight years and as much as it tears me up not to have them for that week, I cherish every moment I do get to spend with them.  The week that I do have them, I don’t attend any social functions unless they are really important or they are also invited and I think I have been out by myself on only two occasions in those eight years - once to a work function I organised that wasn’t far away and finished early evening and once on a late night out with a friend that was going overseas. My close friends know how I feel and understand if we want to arrange a get together, we work around my off dates so I can go – no biggie.  But I am becoming increasingly irritated by people who don’t seem to understand or accept my decision.

I have had to turn down invitations to many occasions over the years and most people are understanding but now that my children are teenagers, they seem to think that things have changed and that I have now become available. For me, nothing has changed.  Yes, my kids are more than able to look after themselves.  Yes, I can go out by myself if I wanted to.  Yes, my kids encourage me to attend invitations I receive on “their” week.  But do I want to? No!  I have spent half of the time in the past eight years with my kids.  I have literally missed 4 years of their lives.  I hate to think of the things I have missed...the hugs, the kisses, the smiles and the tears...looking after them when they were sick, being there when they needed or wanted me, the fights and the laughter. So much I have already missed.   And I have also had 4 years to myself, to do what I want, when I want and how I want.  Being a mother for a week, and then being single for a week certainly was strange at times.

I was hassled by a work colleague the other day about why I was not attending the work Christmas dinner.  I had helped organise the dinner but the date chosen fell on my kid’s week so I will not be attending.  This also happened last year.  My colleague bailed me up for ten minutes trying to convince me to attend.  “They are old enough to be by themselves”, “Can’t the older one’s drive if they need to get somewhere?”, “Surely you can come!”, “It’s only one night!” My attending is not going to make any difference to anyone on the night so I don’t see why it is so important that I go and I don’t see why I have to justify myself to them, or anyone else, about my choice.  My kids are everything to me, and they always come first.  They are my first priority and they always will be.

Yes, I deserve to have a life and to follow my own pursuits...but I already can, on the week I don’t get to spend with them.  Why is that so hard for some people to understand?  Why do some people try to argue the fact that I “should” go somewhere?   Why do some people believe that I am going to enjoy myself when all I am thinking about is what is happening at home?  It is my decision to make....and my decision will always be to spend time with and to be available for....my children.  It doesn’t get any simpler....for me.

There is nothing as simple, nor more precious, than your child’s hug.

Friday 22 November 2013


Ask not what your country can do for you....

It has been 50 years today since JFK was assassinated.  It was four years before I was born.  Yet somehow his spirit resonates with me. 

JFK seemed such a charismatic person.  He was a young, dynamic and much liked President.  Everyone who was of an age to remember, remembered what they were doing when they heard that Kennedy had been assassinated.  It sent a shock wave throughout the world.  People in foreign countries and of all different cultures wept at the news.  JFK was almost like a symbol of a new, progressive USA.  Of a time and place that times were changing, that things were being done, that a new country was emerging.  I sometimes wonder what would be different now, if JFK had been allowed to live.  How much change he would have bought about.  If life would be any different now. 

He left behind a strong, confident widow....Jackie Kennedy...and his young family Caroline and John– who could forget those poignant pictures of a young John-John saluting his father’s coffin – and just the memory of two other children, Arabella who was still-born and Patrick who passed from respiratory distress at only 2 days old.  JFK seemed to be very much a person’s president, having seemed to have suffered heartache and had to endure the hardships of life like many of those that supported him...perhaps that is why he seemed so popular.

JFK seems to embody much of what the USA means to me...it’s loud, patriotic, confident, positive and fun.  They haven’t had another President that comes even close since.  And I only wish that we had such a candidate to choose from when election time comes around in Australia.  They would win hands down in my opinion. 

JFK was from a time long passed, but his legacy lives on in the hope for a time and a place where everyone can be truly free.....in body and in mind.  I may not have been alive when he died, but I sure hope I am alive to see his dream come true.

Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.......

 

 

Monday 11 November 2013


She works hard for the money....

I used to love my work.  I loved the work I was doing...I loved where I worked...I loved the people I worked with...I loved the company I worked for.  Now, I dread each morning I have to go to work...and can’t wait for each working day to be over.  The people I work with are still the same...and I still love them, but everything else has changed.  The company I worked for merged with a bigger sister company.  And since then everything has changed.  The work I have to do is similar and the actual work place hasn’t changed at all....but everything else has.  It wasn’t so much of a merge...as a takeover.

What used to be a very functional, profitable, smooth running machine...has been absorbed...almost amoeba like...by its larger sister.  What used to work is now infused with problems.  The smooth running management is now over ridden by micro management and no one knows who is in charge.   The things that we used to pride ourselves on have been trampled on and squashed in the unfathomable need to appear “unified”.  The new business and operation systems have made it twice the work at the basic levels...but twice as easy at the highest management level...go figure!  And the praise and appreciation for the work you do....is almost non existent...especially for the work that is expected.  What used to be a company I was proud to work for...has become a loathsome job that I need to go to so I can pay the bills.  What happened???

What happened was the refusal of management to understand the impact of the merger on the smaller company...and the way it was handled.  What happened was the way procedures and processes were changed without consulting the people that knew the impact those changes would make.  What happened was that a company that people loved to work for became something completely different with no rhyme or reason.  What happened was the company I used to work for became extinct, and I either did what was asked of me...or I looked for another job.

The latter is now what I am doing.  We spend so much time at work.  So much of our daily lives are taken up with working for someone else.  Even working for yourself, you can sometimes be caught up in the “business before everything” thought process...I know...I have been in that situation too.  But that hasn’t put me off wanting to start something for myself again.  In the past, many things were out of my control, but I still gave as much as I could to my children, before I gave to the business...my marriage wasn’t so lucky.

I would dearly love to start up a business of my own again.  Something I could control...something I had a say in...something that would allow me the precious time I have left with my family before they fly the nest...something I could be proud of.  Oh, I have many ideas....many flights of fancy, and a couple that could actually work.  The thing I am missing is a small nest egg to sustain me while I pursue financial stability. So many times I feel like throwing in the towel... just jumping into the unknown....with the trust that a bridge of safety would appear.  That the confidence I have in myself, will allow the universe to supply the way.  But when you have a family reliant on you...it makes you falter...it makes you think twice.

I wish I could spend as much time with my family...as I do at work.  They are the most important factor in my life...why shouldn’t I be able to spend my time with them?  One day maybe...hopefully...before it is too late....

 

 

Tuesday 15 October 2013


Soul Fire

The bright flame of my soul
Which used to burn so bright and free
Was crushed by lies and selfishness.
How can a flame burn brightly
When it is starved of encouragement...and nourishment?
My flame....my very soul
Was crying out...
But my cries of despair and hurt
Echoed in the loneliness.
Lost in the void...
And so my flame was hidden away...protected
Too fragile to withstand any more.
Until the clouds lifted
And I could see more clearly.
I released myself
And the flame once again burns
Bright
And free.

Sunday 13 October 2013


A long time ago came a man on a track
Walking thirty miles with a sack on his back...


Nature has always held a deep fascination for me.  I have always enjoyed learning about and interacting with nature.  From turning my face up to the sun to feel it’s warm rays...to enjoying watching animals do what they do...to feeling and connecting with the ebb and flow of the natural rhythm of the world around me.  The natural world is truly an amazing life force.  The cycles of life that flow on around our busy human lives and yet are still intricately woven amongst them is amazing...but it really is a fine thread that sews us all together. 

To the busy, city human...the changes that occur naturally are pretty basic.  There is of course night and day, the four seasons and a full moon every now and again as their lives revolve around work and if it is warm enough to socialise out of doors or not.  Yes, they may enjoy spring with all its renewed glory (if they don’t suffer hayfever) and enjoy summer living (as long as it isn’t too hot) but how much do they really think about the cycle of life in the big wide world outside of their concrete jungle?

Life without human interaction has a unique ability to control itself.  Animals have an amazing inbuilt knowledge that coincides with the natural seasons of the year.  They automatically know the right time to breed, to stock up on food, when to move and when to stay.  When to hibernate and when to wake up.  They also know which foods they need to eat and which ones they need to avoid.  They know how to seek out water and the warning signs of the food and water they need to stay away from.  And for anyone who has witnessed the amazing sight of an animal giving birth for the first time, the fact that they instinctively know what to do and how to do it...is truly a sight to behold.  Whether humans ever knew that ability or not, it is very hard to say.  Over the past couple of thousand years we humans have given into listening to others - “the experts” - instead of listening to ourselves and our surroundings and we have lost most of that natural instinct that we would have had thousands of years ago...but that animals still have intact.

The biggest difference between the natural world and humans I believe is emotional.  Emotions drive us in our lives and have both positive and negative effects.  In the animal kingdom it is basically that the strongest survive...but only because they are stronger...and devoid of any emotional attachment.  They do not have more money, bigger egos, better investment folios, better insight, better accountants or that they were born in a better family.  In the animal kingdom everything is equal.  There is no laziness, no jealousy, no obesity, no regret, no anger or hate...none of the negative emotions that we as humans have to deal with.  Nature has it pretty much sorted out.  If there are a couple of good years and some species over breed, you can be sure that there will be a bad year, and that the weak will not survive and that numbers drop once again to a sustainable level.  In the history of the world, humans have been the only species to cause another species to become extinct...not any other animal...just humans. Any why?  What for??  Humans are the only animals that do not coexist with nature...they exploit it.  But for how much longer? 

There are warning signs...the frogs and the bees are a big worry...plus the human population and feeding that population.  Yes, the world is a big place, but unless enough people start to worry about the little things...like frogs and bees...and unless people start to think outside of their concrete jungles...then that is ultimately all that is going to be left...a human, concrete, artificially natural future.  Certainly not a future I want to leave for my children. 

“You must be the change you want to see in the world” Mahatma Ghandi.  Think about what you can do...and do it.
The telegraph road....what price for progess should nature have to pay???

Tuesday 1 October 2013

I feel the thunder in my heart
That I just can't control
I feel the thunder in my heart
Should I walk away...or follow my soul

I have been feeling strangely a little melancholic this week.  Not that melancholy is strange...but the fact that the change in my mood has been so quick, so dramatic and so different.  Well, maybe not that dramatic, not like anyone else might notice but I have felt it keenly.  It’s kind of hard to explain.  I am still very much on a high from my holiday and find it easy to slip back into that holiday glow whenever I want.  To remember and relive the highlights and feelings that were so strong and so instrumental in my acceptance of who I am.  I came away from my trip with a fantastic and new approach to my life....but there is a flip side.  The flip side being that I really seem to feel the parts that are missing in my life so much stronger than before.  Not that I am unhappy in my current life, of course there are always things that can improve, but the basic foundations of my life...I am happy with.  But there is no mistaking my longing for what is missing in my life...and the fact that this longing has become so much stronger since I returned.

To say that I have been decidedly fidgety since my return is an understatement.  I have not been in a relationship for several years...mostly through my own choice...but to say I wasn’t open to a relationship would be wrong.  Unfortunately due to circumstances already covered this is not an easy arena for me, but I would certainly welcome someone special in my life.  I guess I always hoped that someone would come across my path...and there would be an instant connection.  I guess I am a hopeless romantic J  Then there is my past...almost a constant longing...unfinished business you could say.  And this has been in my mind so much in the past weeks.  Is it just a case of wishful thinking...of wanting something I cannot have...or just another “comfort zone”? 

Something very important I have realised about myself...is that some of my comfort zones, are the most unhappy parts of my life.  The things I want to change the most are the hardest because even though I KNOW they make me unhappy, they also make me feel the most comfortable.    On some unconscious level I know that if I find the courage and strength to change these things, then the future is unsure...I don’t know what to expect because it is different from what I know...and that is scary, so I revert back to my comfort zone........no matter how unhappy I am with it.  On the other hand I know that if I find the courage and strength to change these things, then my future could be SO much more.  I feel these bonds are the ones that, if I break them, there is no holding me back, and things will fall into place. So, how do I break this destructive catch 22???  Oh, I know the answer to that....self confidence and strong will.  Easy...right??

Something about me...I am very good at giving advice, but not very good at taking my own advice.  Sometimes it makes me feel a little like a fraud.  Not that I think my advice is wrong...it is good advice...but that sometimes I feel like a hypocrite...do as I say...not as I do (another comfort zone).  So, now I feel very much on the brink of a personal precipice.  Do I stay on solid ground to accept and learn to live with my comfort zones or do I take the leap and trust that courage and strength will keep me above the despondency and self destructiveness of the crash and burn?

I’m ready...I’m willing to take the chance...and to make a change.  Life is there to be lived and to be lived to the fullest...to the best of our potential.  Not to just sit back in our comfort zones and let the best of life pass us by before we realise it is too late.

It’s time to jump.....

Thursday 26 September 2013


Part Three.....There's a girl in my mirror...

This was the hardest revelation to come to terms with.  The first....was a personal, spiritual revelation, something new, something beginning. The second...was an acknowledgement of something from my past that has always been there, always in the background...but the third.  This was something from the present...something a little confronting, a little too real. 

I had the privilege of being on the edge of a conversation and overhearing some of the opinions that some of my close friends had of me in regards to the trip that I had just taken...and it was a surprise....and to be honest...a shock.  They sounded proud of what I had achieved, of what I had done.  They reiterated how perhaps now I would have more confidence, more assurance ...and that was the surprising part.  I never doubted that I could have done what I needed to do.  I never doubted that I had the confidence or assurance so their remarks about what I had achieved sounded somewhat condescending....and to be honest...a little like pity. 

I love my friends...I have only a few treasured, close, personal friends so I know without a doubt that the comments they made were only made with love.  And I thank them for being so honest, for speaking from their hearts....because it certainly woke me up.  It made me think.  It made me reflect.  It forced me to face up to reality....or at least the reality that other people saw....not necessarily the reality I felt.  And that was what hit me hardest...that what I felt on the inside...was not necessarily what people saw on the outside.  And really....HOW important was it that people saw what I felt??

I believe that being true to yourself is the biggest gift you can give to yourself...or to anyone else.  If others view you as something different to how you feel....is it your fault for giving the wrong impression...or theirs for getting the wrong message??  I whole heartedly believe that if you are being true to yourself, then that is what truly matters.  We will never have control over others emotions or actions...we only have control of our OWN reactions to their emotions and actions.

Think about it.  Deep breathe in....now.....think.... So where does that leave me in my reaction to other people’s emotions????  Exactly where I want to be....by being true to myself...by just being myself...the world  can accept me for who I am...or it can just get screwed.  Because I am who I am....and whether people accept me for who I am or not...doesn’t really matter....because I am OK  with who I am...and that is all that matters...to me.
 
There's a girl in the mirror
I wonder who she is
Sometimes I think I know her
Sometimes I really wish I did
There's a story in her eyes
Lullabies and goodbyes
When she's looking back at me
I can tell her heart is broken easily

'Cause the girl in my mirror
Is crying out tonight
And there's nothing I can tell her
To make her feel alright
Oh the girl in my mirror
Is crying 'cause of you
And I wish there was something
Something I could do

If I could
I would tell her
Not to be afraid
The pain that she's feeling
The sense of loneliness will fade
So dry your tears and rest assured
Love will find you like before
When she's looking back at me
I know nothing really works that easily

'Cause the girl in my mirror
Is crying out tonight
And there's nothing I can tell her
To make her feel alright
Oh the girl in my mirror
Is crying 'cause of you
And I wish there was something
I wish there was something
Oh I wish there was something
I could do

I can't believe it's what I see
That the girl in the mirror
The girl in the mirror.......Is me

Britney Spears...The Girl In The Mirror...please you tube it :)

Yes....I am strong....I have my own mind....my own ideals....I am the person I wish to be....but that doesn't mean I am not vulnerable....or sensitive. I yam what I yam. And that is good enough for me and my reflection.




Wednesday 18 September 2013


Part Two...The girl in the mirror...

On our last night in Alice Springs we met with some people from our tour for drinks, dinner and to relax and cement the friendships we had built up over the past three days.  My friend disappeared early on in the night to another part of the bar so he could smoke but which was out of sight to our table which wasn’t really a problem, for him.  But for me it became a different story because he doesn’t know about my personal torment...not many people do.  I am not a very social person, especially when I don’t know people very well and so I left early in the evening under the excuse that I was tired, and that we were leaving the next day.  The real reason I left was that I felt uncomfortable.  I felt like the only person in a room full of people....I felt abandoned.  I know that if my friend knew this he would be devastated...but this was definitely a problem I had with myself, and most definitely NOT a problem I had with him.  He was faultless.

To understand a little more, I need to back up quite a few years...30 in fact...to when I was a teenager.  Due to something that had happened to me as a child, I started to suffer from panic attacks although I never knew that was what they were called back then.  I would put them down to nerves because that was the closest thing I could relate to how I felt.  A nervous disorder. There were two things that would trigger my attacks....getting close to a boy I liked....and eating with other people outside of my home.  Adrenalin would start to course through my body, my hands would get sweaty, my heart would beat alarmingly fast, I would feel nauseous (and on some occasions I did actually throw up) and I would feel absolutely terrified.  This could go on for hours on and off...depending on the situation and circumstances.  It made dating difficult although I did still manage to have boyfriends, and it made eating out on dates impossible for me...I just didn’t do it.  I got very good at making excuses. My self confidence was battered and at an all time low.

When I met my later-to-be husband, the qualities that I liked most about him were the ones I was lacking in myself....the confidence, the self assurance, the ego.  As we grew as a couple and we headed into our twenties, I no longer suffered attacks that related directly to him, but I was still very much troubled by panic attacks when eating out – no matter who was present.  Restaurants were a nightmare, eating at someone else’s house terrified me. Eating at his boss’s house threw me into a string of attacks in the days leading up.   I thought there was something mentally wrong with me so I went to a psychologist who explained about conscious and sub conscious thoughts which was helpful and prescribed an antidepressant which was not.  My partner forbade me to take them even though they were a low dose – he never understood or tried to understand what I was going through...or why.  But I still didn’t have a name for what I was experiencing so I thought it wasn’t important....that perhaps I wasn’t that important.   I started to realise that I was beginning to use coping techniques to get me through the attacks; things that I felt helped me get through without embarrassing myself or without having to explain.  I was very self conscious and far too hard on myself.  I didn’t feel I could talk to anyone about what I was experiencing.  I thought I must have been the only one as no one else seemed to have any of the same issues.  I felt too embarrassed to talk about it.

I began to realise that it was all about control.  When I felt in control, the attacks came less and weren’t so bad.  If we ate out, a smorgasbord or help yourself was the best option as I could pick and choose what I wanted and nobody really took any notice of what I ate.  The control was in the choice of food and how much. I would fill my plate with salad which was easy to eat and took up lots of space.   I rarely ate red meat and still don’t.  The food of choice being seafood or chicken as they are lighter meats.  The worse scenario was if I had to eat at somebody’s house and they piled my plate with food...food that I had no control in choosing...food that I felt obliged to eat...when really I just felt like throwing up.  There is only so much “pushing food around a plate” that you can get away with until someone notices.  It truly was a terrifying and awful feeling and one I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  I felt trapped with no escape.

I was well into my thirties before I made the connection between what I was suffering....and panic attacks.  Finally, a name...a disorder...an explanation. By this stage I had children and so the focus was much more on them than me, I was starting to feel more in control and my self confidence started to climb.  The attacks were coming less and less and this bolstered my confidence more.  I knew what the triggers were and how they felt so I could launch into damage control and keep my reactions to a minimum. In a strange twist of karma, my husband (now my ex) started to suffer panic attacks himself when he needed to fly which was at least once a month for work.  He went to the doctor who prescribed Valium and which he had absolutely no qualms about taking.  He never once acknowledged that he had been wrong in his treatment of me and my attacks and never ever apologised for any of the harsh words or contempt he gave me.  I suffered alone and in silence.  But I managed to come out the other side almost unscathed and able to go out, socialise...and eat.  I still sometimes get the odd twinge...but I know it for what it is and I doubt my panic attacks will ever have a hold on me like they did.

So, where does this leave me in a bar in Alice Springs???  Well...it wasn’t actually in the bar but when I was in bed early the next morning about 5am.  I was lying awake tossing and turning and trying to sleep and thinking over the previous night and how I was a little angry with my friend for abandoning me when I had the second revelation on this trip....I was angry with him for abandoning me...but he hadn’t really cause he was still there, just out of sight....but I felt so increasingly uncomfortable...but he had every right to be enjoying himself, he didn’t have to sit with me just to keep me happy....he was having fun, letting his hair down....but he was my comfort zone...and BANG!  There it was.  I wasn’t angry with him for abandoning me...I was angry with MYSELF because I felt that he had to be near me to make me feel more comfortable.  HE WAS MY COMFORT ZONE.  Without him knowing, he had become my comfort zone so that when he wasn't there, I couldn't cope.  So then I started thinking about all the things that had become my “comfort zone”.  My children, having control of the situation, the way I keep people at arm’s length, my nonexistent social life, my job...all the ways in which I need to feel in control so that I feel comfortable in my comfort zone.  I started to cry....I cried hot, hard, silent tears that burned down my face.  The past three days had put me well and truly outside my physical comfort zone....but when was I going to let myself truly experience life and put myself outside my emotional comfort zone???  When was I going to let the bonds that had formed from years of panic attacks fall completely away??   Since when did I need a comfort zone to feel in control??

I think the time has come....I feel ready and renewed.  My attitude since returning has been much more laid back and content and I am fiercely holding onto that feeling...guarding it and nurturing it...holding the small flame within and feeling it burn.  Maturity and confidence has taken over from the terrified, nervous teenager I once was.  Yet there was still one more revelation for me that related to this trip...another one I was not prepared for....TBC


 

Tuesday 17 September 2013

Part 1....The girl in the mirror......

Wow! What an amazing trip I have had...physically...mentally....and spiritually.  The Ghan train was everything I had hoped plus more.  It had me wishing that you could own a private train and travel the country as you wished...like a caravan.  Trains are my personal favourite for travelling distances...the only way to travel in my opinion.  Such class...such style...total relaxation and comfort.  It truly was, a dream come true.

Going from the comfort and grandeur of the train to a mini bus, swag camping under the stars, full on physical exertion of the next three days was as different as chalk and cheese but also immensely enjoyable.  The space...the heat...the inescapable mix of personalities and cultures made it a truly magical experience.   There were 14 of us in total.  2 Aussies, 2 Poms, 2 Belgians, 1 Yank, 3 Asians, 1 Dutch, 1 Irish and 1 German...plus the Aussie guide.  I was prepared for desert....wide expanses of nothingness and a bit of discomfort along the way.  What I didn’t expect was that the country really was interesting with lots of trees, bushes and changing scenery, the absolute magnificent rock formations that we saw, the pockets of greenery and wildflowers and the depth of spirituality that I felt amongst these sacred places.

The Aboriginals have such wonderful dreamtime stories of the formation and history of the land they lived upon. They had much more respect for the earth and its ebb and flow than they are ever given credit or acknowledgement for.  They are the oldest living race on earth.  And they have such a beautiful way of explaining how the land came to be...of how it was formed and moulded.  Such a spiritual race, but nothing to do with religion, only a wonderful love and respect for the earth.  I truly wish the Aboriginal race could find their space in this modern world, that perhaps more of them would embrace their culture and history.  They have so much to offer but up til now their voice has been so wrongly represented or misinterpreted. 

It was an absolutely wonderful trip for me in many ways.  I was able to spend the week with a person I absolutely adore and love and we survived each other very well which is no small feat being in each other’s personal space so much.  I fulfilled a couple of things on my bucket list....travelling on The Ghan and visiting Uluru.  I also had a few moments of personal clarity and insight that literally have rocked my world.

The first came when we originally visited Uluru.  Uluru itself is a major significant area to the aboriginals of the area.  Many parts are sacred sites which they request you do not photograph and that you show respect by not intruding on certain places, talking quietly, not soiling the ground...common sense really.  This includes climbing Uluru which I had no desire to do.  We did a small walk around the base called the Mala Walk.  There were a few culturally significant parts to this walk including some rock paintings, wave rocks where the aboriginals would camp, a sacred women’s site where they would give birth and ending at a waterhole. 

Partway along this walk, there is a stand of trees, close to Uluru itself, with a boardwalk going through the middle.  As I walked through this stand of trees I felt something move through me... a feeling of peace and serenity...I continued on the walk as there were others walking with me, and I thought to myself how wonderful it would be if on the return trip I could be in this spot by myself.  The walk continued and culminated in a waterhole which was amazing as it was so hot and dry....the fact that water could survive above ground at any time of the year was unimaginable. 

I left my fellow walkers at this moment, and headed back along the path with the hope that I would have some time alone.  Luck was on my side.  As I walked the boardwalk there was one other person coming along the path.  I paused and took a few photographs and waited for them to disappear along the track.  And there it was....finally.  I was alone...amongst the trees....in the late afternoon.  I closed my eyes...breathed the air... listened...the only sound I could hear...a solitary bird singing.  I opened myself and felt the spirituality wash over me until I was fully immersed.  I was in no way prepared for this but I relaxed and drank in the atmosphere.  I stayed for a few minutes....as long as I could....until the sound of someone else coming along the path broke my peace and stirred me.  That moment in time will stay with me...forever.  It wasn’t a significant part along the walk and whether it remains as a memory for anyone else doesn’t matter.  It will always remain in my heart and soul as the most moving and the most important part of my visit to Uluru.

Perhaps it was preparing me for the next revelation.....

 

 

Monday 2 September 2013


Clickety Clack...can’t go back...

I am about to embark on an adventure.  I have the opportunity to do something that I have always wanted to do...something that is on my bucket list.  I will be boarding the Ghan train and travelling to Alice Springs and visiting Uluru.  I am so excited I can barely think about what I need to pack...and my mind goes into overdrive on the things I might see or do or experience.

I love trains.  Always have...always will.  Both my grandfathers worked in the railways and I have many fond memories of travelling from my home town, to the next which is where most of my extended family lived, by train.  I vividly remember the sounds, the feelings, and the excitement of travelling by train.  We occasionally also had the chance to travel to the nearest capital city by train and it was such an adventure.  I remember most the sound of the wheels on the tracks, the comforting swaying motion...and the drinking fountain...seemed such a novelty at the time.  Tiny, little waxed papered cups that you could fill with cold water from the fountain.  Not surprising that I spent most of my time on the train between the fountain...and the toilet, another novelty. 

Unfortunately, the passenger train service dwindled quickly to almost nothing soon after and a grand and wonderful way of travelling will never be known to today’s generation.  Well, of course, there is intercity travel by train, and you can travel across country by rail...but the intercity travel is not the same....nowhere near.  There is nothing like the feeling of standing on the platform, with the train pulling in, the conductor checking tickets, the groups of people....waiting to farewell....and also to greet.  And of course, the railway tea shop...another world in itself and long since gone.  I treasure those memories of my early train travel because it will never be the same again.

Because we were railway family we would get fares a little cheaper, and we also had the use of the Railway Flats in Adelaide...on the Glenelg beachfront no less.  I have several wonderful memories of catching the train from Whyalla to Adelaide...to see the Johnnies Christmas Pageant.  We would catch the tram from the city to Glenelg and stay in the flats. Trains...trams....pageant...beach...the big city.  Absolute paradise!  A visit to Santa in the Johnnies Grotto, a ride on Nimble or Nipper, a trip to Darrel Lea and the perfect ending....to pick out one thing each from the toy department that we got to play with straight away.  One year I remember I picked a plastic, clear umbrella...luckily because it rained on the way home and I felt so pleased with myself that I had picked such a practical but fun gift.  I have strong memories of using it in the showers of the flat....because I loved my new umbrella so much and the shower seemed the perfect place to use it.  We ran out of hot water because I spent so long under the wonderful stream of water....using the umbrella alternatively upright...keeping me relatively dry, and then upside down filling it up with as much water as I could. I think that was also the year my brother picked sea monkeys....they were amazing to us back then.  Things that would probably bore children today.

I have mixed feelings about my trip next week.  It is always a little scary when reality catches up with dreams.  I really wish that the adventure matches with my memories and feelings about train travel that I had as a child.  I am not that naive that I would expect it to be exactly the same...but, I love trains...so I just hope that the clickety clack is loud enough to hear and the sway is enough to feel and I can be transported back a few years....maybe I should pack my umbrella......
 
 

Tuesday 20 August 2013


Still got the blues for you.....

Ahhh....the bittersweet memory of young love lost.  Don’t we all have memories of that certain someone...that certain person who did something special to our hearts when we were younger...but due to circumstances....it just didn’t work.  I think often of my missed opportunity...think a lot of what might have been...how my life might have been different...those damned sliding doors. 

We were 17....we kind of always had a thing for each other...but nothing ever manifested. We were both so shy.  We had our moments...our feet used to meet and cross together under the table in the library...the night we laid talking til early in the morning at camp before being told to go back to my room by a teacher...the times we spent fixing up your car which I never actually saw out of the garage...that sweet, sweet kiss...the only kiss....we shared the last time we saw each other before you had to catch your bus home - I wish I had known then that it was the last time I was to see you.

We wrote after you moved away....then I met someone....we still wrote but then you told me how you thought he wasn’t right for me...It was wrong, you thought I deserved better.  You were the only one that tried to warn me.....the only one....I wish I had listened.  I wish I had run away and joined you...but you never asked me to.  That was the last time I heard from you....
 
Every now and again I would dream of you...ships that passed in the night.  After my marriage broke up....which you knew it would....I tried to find you.  Funny to find all the people with the same name but with different lives...almost like a super hero with so many aliases.  A landscaper in WA...someone on the board of water in QLD (there were a lot of them)....then it happened.  I found your name, a photo, a place....it was definitely you.  I knew it was....even 20 years later.  What now?? Were you in a relationship? Were you happy?  Would I be an unwelcome blast from the past?  Did you ever think about me??  Seems yes you were, yes you are, I never really found out.....the last question I will probably never know.

I wish I could go back all those years, and that I had listened to you.  I often wonder how different my life would be now if I had.  But the reality is that I didn’t...as much as I wish I could go back...I can’t.   I’d like to thank you for caring so much at the time and for being so honest.  I only wish I had been as honest with myself. The signs were there, I was just too blinded at the time to see them.   Who knows how different my life might be now.  But it still doesn’t stop me thinking every now and again....what if????

It was so long ago...but I still got the blues for you....
 
 

Sunday 18 August 2013


You can count on me like one, two, three......

Friendship can be a wonderful, fulfilling, nurturing and mutually enjoyable experience for many people.  It can also be painful, frustrating, maddening and bewildering also.  It all depends on what kind of person you are, and of course the kind of people you are friends with.  We all have those wonderful friends that you know even if you don’t see each other very often that when you do get together it is as if no time had passed.  You talk for hours, you laugh, you cry, you catch up and at the end you part after having had a wonderful time and looking forward to the next catch up.  There are no assumptions, no demands...no consequences. 

Some friends are hard work.  They require a certain amount of effort from you to keep the friendship going and sometimes after spending time with them you feel drained and exhausted.  They always manage to steer the conversation around to themselves, you have to meet on their terms, where they want and when and they walk over your emotions because it is “all about them”.  Sometimes they even make you feel guilty because you haven’t done or said what they wanted...like you have disappointed them.  But do they have any right to make you feel that way?  Friendship is a relationship that needs give and take from both people.  If the balance is not there, then no wonder you feel like this friendship is hard work.  If a friend comes to console and support you but then turns the situation around so that you are forced to be the support – how can that be mutually fulfilling? If it is always you that has to make the phone call, always you that has to organise the get-togethers, always you that has to make the effort – that’s not a friendship – it’s a Social Secretaries job.

And what happens when you are friends with someone, but another of their friends really rubs you the wrong way?  This can be a really tricky situation.  You don’t like the way they act, you don’t like the things they say and you certainly don’t like they way they treat your mutual friend.   But do you have the right to say or do anything?  They are not your friend...they are your friend’s friend.   You are friends by association so really the only option is to avoid them – without making your friend feel uncomfortable when you are both at the same function or forcing your friend to pick sides.  Why make it harder on your friend when it is not their fault?

I personally do not have a lot of friends.  I have a few close friends whom I know I can trust and if I ever need help, they wouldn’t hesitate and vice-versa. They are wonderful, strong, loyal people and I dearly love all of them.  And of course I know other people who I might catch up with for dinner or get together every now and again, but if they moved to another state tomorrow, I wouldn’t be devastated like I would if it were one of my close friends. To me these friends are the real essence of friendship and I treasure the time we spend together.  They make my life’s moments more wonderful and more bearable.  They are the Coco to my Chanel...the train to my carriage...the bacon to my eggs.  So...what kind of friend are you?
 
 

Tuesday 6 August 2013


These battle scars......

Doesn’t life have a way of throwing a curve ball when you least expect it?  Everything is going along swimmingly and then...Wham!!  Something totally out of the blue happens that knocks you for a six and then in many cases seems to continue on a roll with other catastrophes happening straight after...as if you haven’t enough to deal with – along comes more.  Not always do the curve balls happen to you directly but often to someone you know, someone you care about, someone you are close to and even though it doesn’t affect you directly, it still has an impact on you...sometimes an enormous impact.

In the past six months there have been two people whom I work with that have lost newborn babies...much wanted and loved little souls...through no fault of their own.  Every test was normal, every stage was textbook, there was no hint of the absolute devastation that was about to hit their families with a grief that they would carry for the rest of their lives...the loss of a child.  My heart went out to them, nothing you could say or do seemed enough...enough to make up for their loss.

Also recently, I learnt that a new friend has been diagnosed with lung cancer...too late, according to doctors.  I have never met Raul but have come to admire and respect him in the past few months.  A lovely, sincere person who doesn’t deserve the hand he has been dealt.  So how, in this day and age, with medical knowledge as it is, can situations like these just seem to slip past unnoticed??  Are medical services stretched too far?  Are waiting lists and hospital bed turnovers putting too much pressure on the system so that warning signs get missed?  Are doctors too busy/too tired/too blasé?  None of these are very comforting for the people who they affect the most...the patients and families. 

So how DO you cope when told that it is only a matter of hours before your newborn baby slips away....or that you have a terminal illness and you only have months to live?  For the parents who grieve not only the loss of a child, but the loss of that life not lived...the possibilities that could have been...a life to grow and share.  For a person with a terminal illness, a part of life has been lived, a life has grown and shared and in retrospect, there is some precious time left - time to sort affairs, time to fulfil final wishes, time to say goodbyes.  Time still left to love and share. A small blessing under the circumstances.  Both situations take enormous strength and courage - the strength to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and the courage to face life and continue on.

So sometimes these curve balls come from nowhere, and affect you when you least expect it.  They leave scars on your psyche and your soul. The scars never go away.  Sometimes you may think about them and pick at them til they are raw and bleed and the pain returns.  Then they scab over.... and life goes on....the same, but yet different.  If only life came complete with a catcher’s mitt.


Wednesday 24 July 2013


Cause we all have wings....just some of us don’t know why........
 
Self confidence is a funny thing.  Some people have it in spades...and it becomes bossy and arrogant.  Some people have it at an acceptable level and it becomes dependable, just worthy and enviable.  Some people don’t have it at all and it becomes sad, pitiful and a voice crying out for help.

So, where do we get our self confidence, our ego, from?  I personally believe it is 20% your own personal make up – the way you are, and 80% the way you are bought up – your environment and influences.  If you are led to believe that you can achieve what you want, become what you want and that you are able to fulfil your goals, then you can, and will, do just that.  It doesn’t matter if your dreams and goals change because you will always have that underlying belief that you will succeed.  You have confidence in yourself that you can do it, because you believe in yourself – because you were taught to believe in yourself.

If a person has a negative upbringing and is constantly told that they are no good, that they will never amount to anything, that they will never be anything – then how can they believe anything else?  The greatest gift you can give to any child is to believe in them self – to give them self worth, self pride, a reason to succeed – an ego.  The greatest tree can grow from the smallest seed, but that small seed is subject to many influences as it tries to sprout and grow.  Then still there are problems – there are always anomalies - the small seed can be given the best care and support, and yet still grow to be weak and diseased.  Yet the discarded seed can still grow to be strong and healthy and that is what makes self confidence so interesting -and where that 20% of our own personal make up kicks in.  Self confidence can be taught and learnt in later years, but nothing can compare with the self confidence learnt whilst growing through those early years in a nurturing, caring and supportive environment – an environment that many people take for granted and quite often abuse.

Young people are very susceptible to what we say to them, and how we treat them.  An offhand comment by an adult can drop the bottom out of their world and yet the smallest, slightest, positive, random comment can give them wings.  The best thing we can do is to give them as many opportunities as possible to test their wings....and then it is up to them to see if they can fly.