There is nothing as simple, nor more precious....

I am a single parent.  I have five wonderful children whose ages range from 14-19 and whom I have shared custody of for a week at a time.  This arrangement has been working for the past eight years and as much as it tears me up not to have them for that week, I cherish every moment I do get to spend with them.  The week that I do have them, I don’t attend any social functions unless they are really important or they are also invited and I think I have been out by myself on only two occasions in those eight years - once to a work function I organised that wasn’t far away and finished early evening and once on a late night out with a friend that was going overseas. My close friends know how I feel and understand if we want to arrange a get together, we work around my off dates so I can go – no biggie.  But I am becoming increasingly irritated by people who don’t seem to understand or accept my decision.

I have had to turn down invitations to many occasions over the years and most people are understanding but now that my children are teenagers, they seem to think that things have changed and that I have now become available. For me, nothing has changed.  Yes, my kids are more than able to look after themselves.  Yes, I can go out by myself if I wanted to.  Yes, my kids encourage me to attend invitations I receive on “their” week.  But do I want to? No!  I have spent half of the time in the past eight years with my kids.  I have literally missed 4 years of their lives.  I hate to think of the things I have missed...the hugs, the kisses, the smiles and the tears...looking after them when they were sick, being there when they needed or wanted me, the fights and the laughter. So much I have already missed.   And I have also had 4 years to myself, to do what I want, when I want and how I want.  Being a mother for a week, and then being single for a week certainly was strange at times.

I was hassled by a work colleague the other day about why I was not attending the work Christmas dinner.  I had helped organise the dinner but the date chosen fell on my kid’s week so I will not be attending.  This also happened last year.  My colleague bailed me up for ten minutes trying to convince me to attend.  “They are old enough to be by themselves”, “Can’t the older one’s drive if they need to get somewhere?”, “Surely you can come!”, “It’s only one night!” My attending is not going to make any difference to anyone on the night so I don’t see why it is so important that I go and I don’t see why I have to justify myself to them, or anyone else, about my choice.  My kids are everything to me, and they always come first.  They are my first priority and they always will be.

Yes, I deserve to have a life and to follow my own pursuits...but I already can, on the week I don’t get to spend with them.  Why is that so hard for some people to understand?  Why do some people try to argue the fact that I “should” go somewhere?   Why do some people believe that I am going to enjoy myself when all I am thinking about is what is happening at home?  It is my decision to make....and my decision will always be to spend time with and to be available for....my children.  It doesn’t get any simpler....for me.

There is nothing as simple, nor more precious, than your child’s hug.

Ask not what your country can do for you....

It has been 50 years today since JFK was assassinated.  It was four years before I was born.  Yet somehow his spirit resonates with me. 

JFK seemed such a charismatic person.  He was a young, dynamic and much liked President.  Everyone who was of an age to remember, remembered what they were doing when they heard that Kennedy had been assassinated.  It sent a shock wave throughout the world.  People in foreign countries and of all different cultures wept at the news.  JFK was almost like a symbol of a new, progressive USA.  Of a time and place that times were changing, that things were being done, that a new country was emerging.  I sometimes wonder what would be different now, if JFK had been allowed to live.  How much change he would have bought about.  If life would be any different now. 

He left behind a strong, confident widow....Jackie Kennedy...and his young family Caroline and John– who could forget those poignant pictures of a young John-John saluting his father’s coffin – and just the memory of two other children, Arabella who was still-born and Patrick who passed from respiratory distress at only 2 days old.  JFK seemed to be very much a person’s president, having seemed to have suffered heartache and had to endure the hardships of life like many of those that supported him...perhaps that is why he seemed so popular.

JFK seems to embody much of what the USA means to me...it’s loud, patriotic, confident, positive and fun.  They haven’t had another President that comes even close since.  And I only wish that we had such a candidate to choose from when election time comes around in Australia.  They would win hands down in my opinion. 

JFK was from a time long passed, but his legacy lives on in the hope for a time and a place where everyone can be truly free.....in body and in mind.  I may not have been alive when he died, but I sure hope I am alive to see his dream come true.

Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.......

 

 

She works hard for the money....

I used to love my work.  I loved the work I was doing...I loved where I worked...I loved the people I worked with...I loved the company I worked for.  Now, I dread each morning I have to go to work...and can’t wait for each working day to be over.  The people I work with are still the same...and I still love them, but everything else has changed.  The company I worked for merged with a bigger sister company.  And since then everything has changed.  The work I have to do is similar and the actual work place hasn’t changed at all....but everything else has.  It wasn’t so much of a merge...as a takeover.

What used to be a very functional, profitable, smooth running machine...has been absorbed...almost amoeba like...by its larger sister.  What used to work is now infused with problems.  The smooth running management is now over ridden by micro management and no one knows who is in charge.   The things that we used to pride ourselves on have been trampled on and squashed in the unfathomable need to appear “unified”.  The new business and operation systems have made it twice the work at the basic levels...but twice as easy at the highest management level...go figure!  And the praise and appreciation for the work you do....is almost non existent...especially for the work that is expected.  What used to be a company I was proud to work for...has become a loathsome job that I need to go to so I can pay the bills.  What happened???

What happened was the refusal of management to understand the impact of the merger on the smaller company...and the way it was handled.  What happened was the way procedures and processes were changed without consulting the people that knew the impact those changes would make.  What happened was that a company that people loved to work for became something completely different with no rhyme or reason.  What happened was the company I used to work for became extinct, and I either did what was asked of me...or I looked for another job.

The latter is now what I am doing.  We spend so much time at work.  So much of our daily lives are taken up with working for someone else.  Even working for yourself, you can sometimes be caught up in the “business before everything” thought process...I know...I have been in that situation too.  But that hasn’t put me off wanting to start something for myself again.  In the past, many things were out of my control, but I still gave as much as I could to my children, before I gave to the business...my marriage wasn’t so lucky.

I would dearly love to start up a business of my own again.  Something I could control...something I had a say in...something that would allow me the precious time I have left with my family before they fly the nest...something I could be proud of.  Oh, I have many ideas....many flights of fancy, and a couple that could actually work.  The thing I am missing is a small nest egg to sustain me while I pursue financial stability. So many times I feel like throwing in the towel... just jumping into the unknown....with the trust that a bridge of safety would appear.  That the confidence I have in myself, will allow the universe to supply the way.  But when you have a family reliant on you...it makes you falter...it makes you think twice.

I wish I could spend as much time with my family...as I do at work.  They are the most important factor in my life...why shouldn’t I be able to spend my time with them?  One day maybe...hopefully...before it is too late....

 

 

Soul Fire

The bright flame of my soul
Which used to burn so bright and free
Was crushed by lies and selfishness.
How can a flame burn brightly
When it is starved of encouragement...and nourishment?
My flame....my very soul
Was crying out...
But my cries of despair and hurt
Echoed in the loneliness.
Lost in the void...
And so my flame was hidden away...protected
Too fragile to withstand any more.
Until the clouds lifted
And I could see more clearly.
I released myself
And the flame once again burns
Bright
And free.

A long time ago came a man on a track
Walking thirty miles with a sack on his back...

Nature has always held a deep fascination for me.  I have always enjoyed learning about and interacting with nature.  From turning my face up to the sun to feel it’s warm rays...to enjoying watching animals do what they do...to feeling and connecting with the ebb and flow of the natural rhythm of the world around me.  The natural world is truly an amazing life force.  The cycles of life that flow on around our busy human lives and yet are still intricately woven amongst them is amazing...but it really is a fine thread that sews us all together. 

To the busy, city human...the changes that occur naturally are pretty basic.  There is of course night and day, the four seasons and a full moon every now and again as their lives revolve around work and if it is warm enough to socialise out of doors or not.  Yes, they may enjoy spring with all its renewed glory (if they don’t suffer hayfever) and enjoy summer living (as long as it isn’t too hot) but how much do they really think about the cycle of life in the big wide world outside of their concrete jungle?

Life without human interaction has a unique ability to control itself.  Animals have an amazing inbuilt knowledge that coincides with the natural seasons of the year.  They automatically know the right time to breed, to stock up on food, when to move and when to stay.  When to hibernate and when to wake up.  They also know which foods they need to eat and which ones they need to avoid.  They know how to seek out water and the warning signs of the food and water they need to stay away from.  And for anyone who has witnessed the amazing sight of an animal giving birth for the first time, the fact that they instinctively know what to do and how to do it...is truly a sight to behold.  Whether humans ever knew that ability or not, it is very hard to say.  Over the past couple of thousand years we humans have given into listening to others - “the experts” - instead of listening to ourselves and our surroundings and we have lost most of that natural instinct that we would have had thousands of years ago...but that animals still have intact.

The biggest difference between the natural world and humans I believe is emotional.  Emotions drive us in our lives and have both positive and negative effects.  In the animal kingdom it is basically that the strongest survive...but only because they are stronger...and devoid of any emotional attachment.  They do not have more money, bigger egos, better investment folios, better insight, better accountants or that they were born in a better family.  In the animal kingdom everything is equal.  There is no laziness, no jealousy, no obesity, no regret, no anger or hate...none of the negative emotions that we as humans have to deal with.  Nature has it pretty much sorted out.  If there are a couple of good years and some species over breed, you can be sure that there will be a bad year, and that the weak will not survive and that numbers drop once again to a sustainable level.  In the history of the world, humans have been the only species to cause another species to become extinct...not any other animal...just humans. Any why?  What for??  Humans are the only animals that do not coexist with nature...they exploit it.  But for how much longer? 

There are warning signs...the frogs and the bees are a big worry...plus the human population and feeding that population.  Yes, the world is a big place, but unless enough people start to worry about the little things...like frogs and bees...and unless people start to think outside of their concrete jungles...then that is ultimately all that is going to be left...a human, concrete, artificially natural future.  Certainly not a future I want to leave for my children. 

“You must be the change you want to see in the world” Mahatma Ghandi.  Think about what you can do...and do it.

The telegraph road....what price for progess should nature have to pay???

I feel the thunder in my heart
That I just can't control
I feel the thunder in my heart
Should I walk away...or follow my soul

I have been feeling strangely a little melancholic this week.  Not that melancholy is strange...but the fact that the change in my mood has been so quick, so dramatic and so different.  Well, maybe not that dramatic, not like anyone else might notice but I have felt it keenly.  It’s kind of hard to explain.  I am still very much on a high from my holiday and find it easy to slip back into that holiday glow whenever I want.  To remember and relive the highlights and feelings that were so strong and so instrumental in my acceptance of who I am.  I came away from my trip with a fantastic and new approach to my life....but there is a flip side.  The flip side being that I really seem to feel the parts that are missing in my life so much stronger than before.  Not that I am unhappy in my current life, of course there are always things that can improve, but the basic foundations of my life...I am happy with.  But there is no mistaking my longing for what is missing in my life...and the fact that this longing has become so much stronger since I returned.

To say that I have been decidedly fidgety since my return is an understatement.  I have not been in a relationship for several years...mostly through my own choice...but to say I wasn’t open to a relationship would be wrong.  Unfortunately due to circumstances already covered this is not an easy arena for me, but I would certainly welcome someone special in my life.  I guess I always hoped that someone would come across my path...and there would be an instant connection.  I guess I am a hopeless romantic J  Then there is my past...almost a constant longing...unfinished business you could say.  And this has been in my mind so much in the past weeks.  Is it just a case of wishful thinking...of wanting something I cannot have...or just another “comfort zone”? 

Something very important I have realised about myself...is that some of my comfort zones, are the most unhappy parts of my life.  The things I want to change the most are the hardest because even though I KNOW they make me unhappy, they also make me feel the most comfortable.    On some unconscious level I know that if I find the courage and strength to change these things, then the future is unsure...I don’t know what to expect because it is different from what I know...and that is scary, so I revert back to my comfort zone........no matter how unhappy I am with it.  On the other hand I know that if I find the courage and strength to change these things, then my future could be SO much more.  I feel these bonds are the ones that, if I break them, there is no holding me back, and things will fall into place. So, how do I break this destructive catch 22???  Oh, I know the answer to that....self confidence and strong will.  Easy...right??

Something about me...I am very good at giving advice, but not very good at taking my own advice.  Sometimes it makes me feel a little like a fraud.  Not that I think my advice is wrong...it is good advice...but that sometimes I feel like a hypocrite...do as I say...not as I do (another comfort zone).  So, now I feel very much on the brink of a personal precipice.  Do I stay on solid ground to accept and learn to live with my comfort zones or do I take the leap and trust that courage and strength will keep me above the despondency and self destructiveness of the crash and burn?

I’m ready...I’m willing to take the chance...and to make a change.  Life is there to be lived and to be lived to the fullest...to the best of our potential.  Not to just sit back in our comfort zones and let the best of life pass us by before we realise it is too late.

It’s time to jump.....

Part Three.....There's a girl in my mirror...

This was the hardest revelation to come to terms with.  The first....was a personal, spiritual revelation, something new, something beginning. The second...was an acknowledgement of something from my past that has always been there, always in the background...but the third.  This was something from the present...something a little confronting, a little too real. 

I had the privilege of being on the edge of a conversation and overhearing some of the opinions that some of my close friends had of me in regards to the trip that I had just taken...and it was a surprise....and to be honest...a shock.  They sounded proud of what I had achieved, of what I had done.  They reiterated how perhaps now I would have more confidence, more assurance ...and that was the surprising part.  I never doubted that I could have done what I needed to do.  I never doubted that I had the confidence or assurance so their remarks about what I had achieved sounded somewhat condescending....and to be honest...a little like pity. 

I love my friends...I have only a few treasured, close, personal friends so I know without a doubt that the comments they made were only made with love.  And I thank them for being so honest, for speaking from their hearts....because it certainly woke me up.  It made me think.  It made me reflect.  It forced me to face up to reality....or at least the reality that other people saw....not necessarily the reality I felt.  And that was what hit me hardest...that what I felt on the inside...was not necessarily what people saw on the outside.  And really....HOW important was it that people saw what I felt??

I believe that being true to yourself is the biggest gift you can give to yourself...or to anyone else.  If others view you as something different to how you feel....is it your fault for giving the wrong impression...or theirs for getting the wrong message??  I whole heartedly believe that if you are being true to yourself, then that is what truly matters.  We will never have control over others emotions or actions...we only have control of our OWN reactions to their emotions and actions.

Think about it.  Deep breathe in....now.....think.... So where does that leave me in my reaction to other people’s emotions????  Exactly where I want to be....by being true to myself...by just being myself...the world  can accept me for who I am...or it can just get screwed.  Because I am who I am....and whether people accept me for who I am or not...doesn’t really matter....because I am OK  with who I am...and that is all that matters...to me.

 

There's a girl in the mirror
I wonder who she is
Sometimes I think I know her
Sometimes I really wish I did
There's a story in her eyes
Lullabies and goodbyes
When she's looking back at me
I can tell her heart is broken easily

'Cause the girl in my mirror
Is crying out tonight
And there's nothing I can tell her
To make her feel alright
Oh the girl in my mirror
Is crying 'cause of you
And I wish there was something
Something I could do

If I could
I would tell her
Not to be afraid
The pain that she's feeling
The sense of loneliness will fade
So dry your tears and rest assured
Love will find you like before
When she's looking back at me
I know nothing really works that easily

'Cause the girl in my mirror
Is crying out tonight
And there's nothing I can tell her
To make her feel alright
Oh the girl in my mirror
Is crying 'cause of you
And I wish there was something
I wish there was something
Oh I wish there was something
I could do

I can't believe it's what I see
That the girl in the mirror
The girl in the mirror.......Is me

Britney Spears...The Girl In The Mirror...please you tube it :)

Yes....I am strong....I have my own mind....my own ideals....I am the person I wish to be....but that doesn't mean I am not vulnerable....or sensitive. I yam what I yam. And that is good enough for me and my reflection.