Show me the way to go home...

A few years ago I spent some time working in a nursing home.  I was a Lifestyle Co-ordinator and it was my job to try and keep the residents "lifestyles" active.  I would book entertainment etc to come to the home to entertain, organise outings, co-ordinate special days and events as well as organise craft activities, read mail, organise movies....and many other seemingly mundane things which many other people take for granted.....hair cuts....manicures....reading the local paper.  The job was fulfilling...as well as confronting.  I really enjoyed being able to bring some sense of normality and routine to these wonderful people, who were all in care for many different reasons.  Our youngest member was only 40...my age at the time...struck down with a neurological disorder that made her bed ridden, nearly mute, but a beautiful person all the same.  Our eldest was in her nineties...and very much the same...bedridden, mute, still beautiful.

My favourite thing to do with these wonderful residents was reminiscent games.  We had several we would use from time to time and to listen to their memories as they grew up and the things they had experienced in their lives was a true gift.  Listening to these 60-80 year olds describe what it was like to have their first job, first car, growing up as a teenager, getting married, living through wars, having children, their beliefs and ideals...and the joys and sorrows their lives had brought....it was like going back through time and seeing life through their eyes...so very different to life these days. 

For many years before this I had thought how nice it would be to make time to spend with my grandmother and nana to listen and record their memories of the highs and lows as they travelled through life.  To record their many stories, and my family history.  Sadly, this was not to be.  We always lived some distance apart which made it somewhat difficult to visit regularly, and now, they are both gone.  But often I think about this lost chance, and the residents I worked with, and how much I would have liked to record some of their stories....before it is too late.  Most young people these days would have no idea what it was like to grow up 50-60-70 years ago. But I think it is important for them to know...to understand...the struggles that were made, the battles that were fought, so they can hopefully realise and appreciate the choices that earlier generations had to make and how those choices formed the life they now enjoy.  Older generations have so much to offer, so much wisdom, so much insight. 

It is never too late....before all the stories are lost....to make time to spend with someone from an older generation.  After all, haven't they earned it?  Haven't they earned the right for their stories to be preserved, for the daily struggles they faced, the burdens they carried, the countries they built!  All they need is a friendly face, someone willing to listen for a little while and a nudge now and again.  I know it would certainly make their day, give them something to think about, something to talk about, it may even give them something to look forward to ....apart from watching the seasons change.  If you have the privilege of having an older person in your family, take the time to sit and listen...it may be your last chance. And if you don't...there is always a nursing home nearby, all it takes is a willing ear.

If I could turn back time....

If I could turn back time....

It's amazing...how the mind works.  Just an afterthought of...oh...I will just look up my old high school website...can turn into a whole time warp.  Remembering the faces...the times...the incidences...time truly does turn back...and the memories that come flooding in....Wow!  Sometimes I wish I could go back to my teenage years....relive the high school years...but of course that is only if I could take back what I know now....the experience....the knowledge....the wisdom.  OMG...I really could have kicked butt back then...if only I could go back with what I know now.  But, of course, that isn't possible - not unless Sheldon and Leonard really HAVE built a time machine, and I have been able to access this so called Time Machine!....which I haven't. 

Looking back.....High School seemed so easy.  It didn't seem so at the time, but looking back...it SO was! After High School, life just seemed to continue to get harder and harder, choices to make, ideals to live up to, bills to pay, reality sets in....youth slips away.  Life needs to be lived.  But the choices one makes in those seemingly fertile years...how many of us live out those dreams?  I know I didn't.  Back in High School, my first thought was forensic science...I wanted to be a coroner.  I wanted to find out why people died...what had happened to them....I wanted to solve crimes.....but I knew I wasn't smart enough...so then I wanted to be a teacher.  Kindergarten...majoring in dance and movement.  Nurture the artistic side of myself.  So...when I failed my matriculation and all my dreams were duly squashed.....I moved to the nearest capital city...and became a receptionist.   A far cry from all those early dreams but the only job I could get at the time.

Being a receptionist...moved me into public service.  Public service moved me into customer service and then accounting, which is where I  now find myself.  In a job which is so far from what I really set out to do - not stuck in an office....working for the environment....making a change...becoming  and doing something important!

But oh, how our dreams can change.  You meet someone, start a family, your goals move and change with the wind.  Then, sometimes, you find yourself once again on your own, still with family, still with goals, but the need to provide for your family, far outweighs your goals and becomes THE most important part of your life. So you are left, waiting for the chance again, to become the person you set out to be.  Life truly does come full circle...sometimes faster...sometimes slower.  And you need to ask yourself....Am I doing what I set out to do?  What has changed?  What is more important now? What, really, is important to me..and why? And ultimately...do I have the courage to change?  And why not?  Life is far too short to be left wondering....what happened????

People watching people watching people......

I find people fascinating.  I like watching people and I find their behaviours intriguing.  The way they act together, their personal styles, their views, their dreams, their fears, their mannerisms and their idiosyncrasies.....fascinating! 

Something that always intrigues me is the way people interact and react to each other.  Some people seem to spend a lot of time trying to impress people they hardly know, and yet spend so little time and effort on those that really matter.  Family and true friends get pushed to the background as bosses and workmates gobble up precious time and priorities.  And for what?  What is really being accomplished?  Yes, people need to work to earn a living to help keep themselves and their families fed, warm and housed.  But it is a fine line between working to live, and living to work.  And after a few years you may move on and never speak to or see those people again and yet your family and friends are still waiting...in the wings...ready for their cues.  Hardly seems fair.  So much precious time wasted.  So many opportunities lost.

And how many times have you put a lot of thought and effort into something for someone, only to be disappointed in their reaction.  Yet sometimes the smallest gesture to someone else can bring the biggest, heart warming, unexpected reaction.   So who are we trying to impress.....and why?  Are we trying to impress someone so we feel accepted, so we feel acknowledged, so we have our five minutes of fame...or is it ourselves we are trying to impress?  All seem shallow.  If we feel we have to impress anybody, then I have to ask, what are we lacking in ourselves that we feel we have to go out of our way to be accepted by others?  Is it pride? Is it confidence? Is it vanity?  Is it fear?  Something I do know is that those unexpected reactions, those rare moments of pure gratefulness, are the best.  No hidden agenda, no expectations, no malice...just thankfulness.

And why do some people seem to instantly make us bristle while with others we feel an instant connection, like we have known each other forever and yet barely a few sentences have passed?  What transpires between two people that is invisible and yet forms an instant and lasting impression?  So much so that you instantly like someone, or hate them.  And how many times have you been wrong?  You start with an impression of someone, perhaps disliking them only to find that months or years later, they really weren’t the person you thought they were, in fact they are totally opposite.  People you thought were idiots or write offs, become dear friends.....people you liked from the first time you met, end up betraying you in one way or another.

The human psyche is an amazing in depth study which changes from one person to another....and is what makes each of us all so unique and individual.  We are all different and I don’t mean logistically or culturally.  If you took an x-ray of everyone in the world they would all look the same on the inside, but if you could take an x-ray of their psyche, it would be a very different picture.   We are all the same model, just with different controls.  It is what makes us...us.   We are exceptional, each and every one of us.  Wouldn’t life be boring if we were all wired the same?   And I can guarantee that everyone, every now and again, has a problem with one or two little wires coming loose.   But it’s how we cope with the re-wiring and repairs that really matter in the end and what continues to make us learn and grow and be our own unique self.

Acceptance of our true self is the duct tape of the emotional world...it fixes everything.

Only the lonely.....

So, I am browsing the web, listening to my ipod, and realising that 90% of the songs I am listening to are related to love in one way or another.  So then I am thinking “What’s with that?”  I admit, it has been 8 years since my marriage disintegrated and to be honest there has not been too many relationships or dating since then.  It all seems too hard, and too easy to concentrate on being a busy single parent.  And my philosophy for the past 8 years has been...I’m not out there actively seeking, but if someone comes along, then I am open to the possibility.  Problem being that if you never go anywhere or do anything (apart from kid related which usually means meeting other parents – who are usually in loving, fulfilled, enriched and happy relationships) then the likelihood of “someone coming along” is practically zero. 

Yeah, I admit, I have also been doing the “getting to know me”...”sorting out what I want” selfish stage in the aftermath of a long term relationship breaking down but now I think I am at that stage where I really do miss having someone to share things with, to share time with...someone special.  8 years is definitely more than enough "me" time.  So then I start to think....so....am I lonely....or am I alone?  What’s the difference??

After some thought, in my opinion, being alone, means you feel you have no one on whom you can reach out to in a time of need.  When you need support, if there is absolutely no one you can think of to call that will help you – that is the definition of alone.  Being or feeling alone is a very sad and desperate place to be.  In an earlier post I reiterated on my inability to ask for help when needed...but I know that if I really needed help, there are people I could ask, and I know they would help, without a doubt. 

So, if feeling alone means having no one, then feeling lonely must mean that you have people in your life, but those people aren’t fulfilling all of your emotional needs.   And I feel like that sometimes when I am in a room full of people, yet I feel like the only person in the room.  Not alone, but lonely.    My children, family and friends fill a large part of my life and I have no problem spending time by myself but I am missing the emotional, intimate relationship that only a partner can bring and so I sometimes feel ....lonely.

It must be time then....time for a change....time to start a new chapter in my life book.  I just hope I haven’t gotten too comfortable being by myself and doing my own thing or gotten too selfish to be open to the changes that a new relationship brings.  One thing I know for certain though is that life is far too short to be spent alone....or lonely.

 

And that it is definitely time for an ipod update.....

 

You probably think this song is about you.....

Vanity...what is it?  After seeing a picture I had taken of myself  a few days ago, a workmate stated "Nice picture.  When was it taken? 10...15 years ago?"  At first I was flattered to think he thought I looked 10 years younger than I did.  But then I thought, so he thinks I looks 10 years older now than I did a couple of days ago??  I was confused, do I take it as a compliment, or an insult?  This really made me think about vanity.  How do you define vanity?  Am I vain?  I never thought I was....but...am I?  What about those around me, who is vain and who isn't? 

So the dictionary says the definition of vanity is: conceit about ones appearance. When I think of someone being "conceited" or "vain" I guess I think....expensive....always at the hairdressers...at the manicurists....at the gym....face peels....liposuction....youth elixirs....always looking in the mirror....always checking your reflection....always living up to your own high standards....high maintenance!

Now, I don't spend a lot of time or money on my appearance.  I like to think I keep myself tidy, but I don't go to any trouble.  I would guess that I spend less time and money than the "average" woman does on their appearance.  I have never had a pedicure, a manicure, foils or false fingernails.  But is that really the definition of vanity?  I know, without a doubt, that if it is raining and I get even a little, tiny bit of rain or even misty rain on my hair...that I will be fiddling with it and getting frustrated with it for the rest of the day, not happy with how it sits or how it looks.  Concerned with ones appearance - isn't that conceit...vanity?  So, even if you don't spend a lot of time or money on your appearance, you can still be vain?  Most definitely.  This is a revelation...now I know why I don't like having my photo taken, I'm vain.  I must be, I never like the way I look in photos.  If I wasn't vain, I wouldn't care.  Simple.

So, as previously thought by me, vanity isn't restricted to the young, the beautiful or the rich.  It can be found in all of us, in one way or another.  And I guess we all need that little bit of vanity to help us achieve our goals.  What is self confidence and ego, without a small dose of vanity to back it up?  It's when vanity overtakes and rules our lives that the problems begin.  Too many celebrities went that little bit too far...and some went way too far.

So, I am going to go with this new insight that I am a little bit vain, and use it as a positive tool in my self confidence toolbox - I feel I am becoming quite the handywoman.   And I am going to take the comment as a compliment...and why not?  If you ever get the chance to look 10 years younger....be vain and take it....just make sure you don't take it too far!

Sumthin’s wrong with it,

Sumthin’s wrong with it,

Sumthin’s wrong with the wuh wuh world.....

I am a fairly easy going person.  I tend to take people on face value and I like to come to my own conclusions about what kind or person they are.  I don’t care what age, race or religion they are and they’re lifestyle choices are their own to make.  As long as they are not hurting anyone or anything, they are making choices of their own free will and they are not trying to force their ideas or ideologies down my throat, then I accept their choices.  I may not agree with their views or ideals, but I defend their right to live as they wish.  And this is what I feel is seriously wrong with society today.  There is a lack of tolerance and an enormous lack of respect not just for other people, but also our environment.

Respect and tolerance go hand in hand.  If you do not respect the differences of other people - sex, age, race, lifestyle, society and customs - then how can you have tolerance towards those differences?    I know there are some customs and rituals that cannot be tolerated as they cause pain and suffering against other people, especially women.  But is it not the lack of respect for women in those societies that lets the custom or ritual continue??  Respect is a simple word with a simple meaning, but its impact on people's lives is enormous and far reaching and all intricately connected by morals.

Basic respect for yourself leads you to live a life governed by your morals.  It lets you make decisions and choices that you feel you are worthy of and that will enhance and impact on your life with a desired effect.  People with no self respect have limited or damaged morals.  How can they have self respect when they use, abuse and inflict pain and suffering?  They abuse themselves and others, sometimes with devastating effect.  Drug and alcohol abuse, environmental misuse, crime and corruption have been on a steady rise.  Disrespect for themselves, humanity, society and their surroundings have a flow on effect.   People who commit crime have no respect for society or its boundaries.  They abuse the system and the law.  They disrespect their victims causing fear, heartache, pain and sometimes death.  By committing a crime they show no respect for themselves and therefore become their own victim.  Self abuse in its simplest form.  A classic Catch 22

If people started working on their own self respect and started looking more closely at the things they say, the things they do and the respect they give and receive, then I think there would be a lot more tolerance in the world and a lot less pain and suffering.  Think about racial slurs, misconceptions about other races, your environmental footprint, the way you interact with other people, the remarks you may think or make and the impact this all has on your children as they learn their behaviours from you.  The longest journey starts with the smallest step...are you nurturing respect and tolerance through your thoughts and actions....or are you contributing to the oppression of people’s basic rights and the destruction of our beautiful world?

We'll  meet again, don't know where, don't know when......

When I was 18 I moved away from my family to the nearest capital city about 500km away so the main form of communication between my mother and myself in the past 28 years has been the telephone.  We speak without fail every Sunday morning, at around 9.00am.  We take turns, one week she calls me, the next I call her....and we chat and catch up on whats been happening in our respective lives.  We do also call during the week if something momentous or catastrophic happens in either worlds....usually grandchildren's injuries or accomplishments from me and family births and deaths from her.  So I have noticed that she has begun to call me more and more during the week to find out about little issues or with news that probably could wait until our weekly catch up, but that she obviously has felt the need to find out about or tell sooner.  I have no problem with this but it had me thinking....why...and today I realised why.

My mum's mum passed away late last year, at a ripe old age, and after declining health over the past few years.  Grandma had moved into aged care, finally, after much prodding and poking from my mum and aunties - she really wasn't looking after herself or eating properly and was beginning to suffer slight dementia and depression.  Unfortunately, before she really become settled in her new home she took a tumble and broke her hip leading to a lengthy hospital stay, further declining health and finally...blessed relief for her....death.   It was what she had been asking for, praying for and hoping for for a long time but at least she didn't have to jump off the Pt Augusta bridge to obtain it (a well worn statement of hers along with "Oh, I'm getting old" which has become a favourite quote within the family and always said with love, fondness and that smile, the one with the tinge of sadness about it).

I realised today that after the past few years, and the time, effort and energy mum has had to put in to making sure Grandma was eating properly, looking after herself and trying to get her issues sorted that now she has a lot less worries, and stresses, and things to think about and get sorted.  So she has started calling me more frequently in an attempt to fill the void left by the emotionally and psychologically demanding efforts of a child becoming the parent.  It is her way of dealing with the grief and loss of losing her mother. 

People deal with grief and loss in so many different ways. The Europeans and Middle Eastern's have it down pat....the wailing, the crying, throwing themselves in graves and the outpouring of emotion can be a wonderful healing process...when done from the heart.  I don't handle grief well myself.  I am an ugly crier and it bothers me that I am.  If I could cry with grace and dignity like so many other women, it wouldn't be an issue but I am a self conscious crier and I am fine...until I see someone else getting emotional and teary, then it is all over.   I guess I have my mother to thank for that, Dad always teased her about crying over TV shows (especially Little House on the Prairie) and that she would shed a tear when Tom caught Jerry.  I prefer to do my grieving in private, when I can think about that person who had touched my life and heart in such a special and unique way and so my tears can fall uninhibited and freely without being self conscious about how I look or act - conceited I know, one of my many flaws.

The thing with grief is that is always brings up your own mortality.  We all know that one day, sooner or later, we will die.  And there is nothing like a funeral to make you contemplate your own life, and how you should live every moment to the fullest, and make hay while the sun shines....for at least, oh a week or two.  But then we all fall back into our normal lives, our ruts and grooves and once more we are letting life pass us by, ignoring the little things that make us happy and worrying about stupid, insignificant things.  So, maybe, I will start calling my mum during the week, just to tell her little things, and subconsciously letting her know I am thinking about her.  Because, unfortunately, it won't be that long before I, myself, might be forced into the role of child becoming parent.  Thank goodness Whyalla doesn't have a bridge!