I'm F..I..N..E......

What does it take for people to change? And I mean really change?  How much of our lives are caught up in habit, practice, custom...daily grind?  And how hard would it be for us to shrug off those comfortable covers?  That shroud of predictability?  How much of our lives is controlled by our habits and vices?  Do you have the same morning routine...the predictable way to work...the desk that is, even in a constant mess - still the same, every Friday at the same pub, grocery shopping at the same shops, and then of course the vices...cigarettes, alcohol, drugs?  It takes an enormous effort for someone to change a life habit, especially a bad habit. Ironically, it takes a lot longer to break a habit than it takes to form a habit...and a lot more effort. 

Not to mention the predictable outcomes when meeting people you seldom see... "Nice to see you"... "We really should catch up"...."How are you?" ..."I'm good" ..."I'm fine"...when really we aren't good...we aren't "fine" but it is the facade we put up for other people, the front we show to those that we don't feel like burdening our worries on.  And why is that?  How different would our lives be, if everyone was upfront and honest about how they really felt in that given moment and with what was happening in their lives?  And the truth is...that we really don't WANT to be burdened with other peoples worries. We have enough of our own to deal with so why should we have to subject ourselves to the added burden of our friends and families troubles?  Unless it is life threatening or life changing...honestly....who really wants to know? 

Human nature is an amazingly, entertaining study.  If it ISN'T all about "me" then why should I be interested.  But on the flip side...if it IS all about "me"  then why should any one else be interested? It's a real catch 22.  There is definitely no secret that there are some people that are more interested...and if you have any of these people in your friend circles, they are definitely keepers.  They are the carers, the nurturers, the keepers of your sanity...and usually the most abused of your friends, for exactly the same reasons. They are the voice of reason and common sense.  The voice of truth...and usually the opposite advice that you end up taking.  Try to value these people, they are humanity in it's purest form and life's most valuable asset - life's living angels.

So, if everyone was upfront and honest with each other, would that mean that we would start to avoid seeing people? That we would start to withdraw from any social life we had purely so we wouldn't have to be confronted with other people's problems?  It seems an extreme to go to, just to avoid a minor confrontation.  And it is a scenario that would never happen.   People will always put on the "brave front" and gloss over the gory details of their lives because for just a little while, a few moments - minutes - hours, they truly will be "F..I..N..E" - Fu**ed up.....Insecure....Neurotic.... and Emotional.

How much do you really want to change?

Tunnel of love....

Why is it that when anyone finds out that you are middle aged and single...that you need condolences and perhaps the company of a friend of theirs that is also middle aged and single?  The idea that I might actually be happy being single is not up for discussion.  The fact that I do not have a partner is foremost in their minds....perhaps because I make an awkward number for dinner parties or gatherings or maybe the women I know ultimately think that I am out to steal their men and therefore make them one of the ostracised "singles" (just as a side note...to ALL the women I know - I am NOT trying to steal your men - I do have morals - and in some cases, taste) or maybe they are just trying to be helpful and supportive when they suggest that their cousin - neighbour - workmate - friend's brother - neighbourhood psycho is "what a coincidence" also single and "just your type".

So, what is it that makes people who are "coupled" feel that they need to fix up their single friends?  Perhaps the "coupled" envy the "singles" as to their freedom and lack of rules.  Truthfully, once someone becomes part of a couple, the goalposts do change.  The "coupled" starts to spend less and less time with the "singles" as they fall more and more into their shared lives.  And why not?  When you find someone who completes you and who shares your ideals for the future and the direction your lives are going....it certainly is special....grab hold and don't let go.  But does that in any way detract from the "singles" life and the direction that their lives are going? 

Single people are just as valuable as those that are in a relationship...single people have as much voice as those in a relationship...single people have as much to offer to the world as those in a relationship...single people are just as important as those in a relationship...single people feel emotions and suffer loss just as important as those in a relationship - except from the eyes of those IN a relationship.  From those people...we lack something...we are missing something...we are not a complete package...and that is not fair.

We do not need your sympathy, we do not need your pity, we certainly do not need your suggestions of who you think is "perfect for us".  What we do need is your friendship and your support of our single lifestyle.  If we say we are happy, content and fulfilled then believe us and allow us our secret envy of your coupledom happiness, because, ultimately that is what most of us truthfully want.

As we float down this tunnel of love, we are all eventually engulfed by either being single or part of a couple and the truth is that we are all as important as each other and that when we emerge into the dusky twilight in our faded fibreglass swans, that the person we ultimately love, is ourselves...whether we are single, or not.

We are all wiener's....

Fate.   I am a big believer in fate.  That things happen...and happen for a reason, whether good or bad. 

We have all been confronted with those life defining moments that can change your life, for better or for worse.  And for most people, more than once in a lifetime.  The choices we make ultimately turn our lives from one track to another, sometimes subtly, sometimes earth shatteringly.  Whether it's a change in career, relationship, parenthood or a physical change, the impact can either lift us up...or bring us down...sometimes softly....sometimes far too hard.  But we all are ultimately in charge of our lives, and how they impact on the world.  We can do something and make changes, or we can do nothing (which weirdly is still something) and things stay the same. 

But, as a believer in fate...I have to ask "Why do bad things happen to good people, and why do good things happen to bad people?" It's a tough question. Why should good people, innocent people, who have done nothing wrong...have to suffer?  And the only answer I have is that from that suffering, there is always some positive that comes from it.  Whether it is public awareness, a legacy, trust fund, change to legislation or rules, increased funding or recognition of local needs, or purely that families and communities come together...they are all positives.  It is extremely sad and confronting that some people, especially children, seemingly have to suffer, so that it makes some good somewhere.  But....isn't that better than having nothing been achieved?  That a good life is seemingly...wasted...for nothing?

And what about good things happening to bad people???  Well, I am a very patient person, and I truly believe that if you are a "bad" person...that karma will get you in the end.  And I can guarantee that the "good fortune" that happens to bad people is far outweighed by the honesty, truth and purity that is the basis of everything good that comes from tragedy.  Even on the smallest scale....if you have done wrong by someone....and have not felt some guilt or tried to make amends...then expect something special....just for you. And when it happens, think back to how much easier it would have been, if you had owned up and tried to make good the bad you did.

It is very easy to become engrossed in our own little world...in our own little "good and bad" and why not?  The prospect of a new job, new house, new relationship is going to have a huge impact on our lives....but....upfront and truthfully.....it is barely a ripple on our community, our suburb, our city, our country.....the world.  Take a step back and look at the big picture.  It may mean the world to us...but it doesn't give us the right to treat people in a way that is demeaning or degrading.  Think of the impact you have on other people, and the way you react to them.   A ripple very easily becomes a wave.

The biggest ocean, starts with the smallest drop...and we are...the smallest drop. Each and every one of us.

If we live our lives to the fullest...become all we are destined to be....follow our dreams...our passions...our callings.... and be the "good" instead of the "bad"...then we are all wiener's...sorry winners! :)

It's a wide, wide world....

The world is an amazing, amazing place. And it works on so many different levels.  There is the natural, evolutionary role where nature has it's own ebb and flow, and the natural world goes along on it's own time frame and agenda.  Without human exposure, the natural world would continue to expand and control itself depending on resources and environment.  The strong survive and the weak do not. Mother nature is cruel.  Mother nature does not need humans to exist.

In the economic world...the strong survive and continue to prosper....and the weak, do not...but for very different reasons.  To survive in the economic world you very much have to be the stronger.  And the main ingredient in bringing people down in the economic world is...their own mind.  The lack of confidence in themselves or their product is undoubtedly their own undoing.  Those that have the most confidence in themselves and their products, are those that continue to grow and expand. You only have to look at brand names and bottom lines to realise that.  Human nature is cruel.  Human nature needs humans to exist.

And then there is the spiritual...there are no arguments on how rich religion has become.  For all the vows of poverty the "church's" seems to continue to grow and prosper.  But there is much more to spirituality than religion and church.  I,  myself, feel very spiritual, but in no way attach myself to any church or act of religion.  I feel very close to nature and the ebb and flow of the seasons and life itself.  This in itself, makes me feel spiritual...at one with the earth, but not "Catholic" or "Protestant" or "Orthodox" or "Muslim" or "Buddhist" or "Hindu" or "Occultist" or any other "religion".  Shouldn't "religion" be a state of mind rather than "what I follow"??   "Religion" has a lot to answer to in the past.  I believe very strongly in treating people how I would like to be treated.  And that....Karma is a bitch!  What comes around...goes around!

But what about people who aren't animals, who aren't business people, who aren't spiritual....who are just trying to survive, trying to make ends meet, getting food on the table, getting children clothed, getting through to the next pay...next centre link payment...next dole payment?  Well, aren't they just trying to survive in their own little "world"? It may not be the natural world, the economic world, the spiritual world, but it is the world...to them. 

When does humanity reach rock bottom? 

I hope I never have to find out...naturally, economically or spiritually.

Shifting sands....

I attended a sporting event with my 13 year old daughter....and....surrounded by a couple of hundred 13 to 14 year olds was confronting...if not an eye opener.  How times have changed since I was 13...or had they?  The interaction of girls/girls - boys/boys - girls/boys was fascinating to say the least.  I watched many play on plays, and it got me thinking how I would survive in the modern world of a 13 year old.

When I was 13, it was 1980.  John Lennon was assassinated, Pac Man was invented and the Rubik's Cube became popular.  Computers were only just being heard of (it wasn't until a couple of years later we had a few installed at school), we listened to records and Walkmans and used the land line telephone to talk to friends. 1980 was the start of a fashion revolution of shoulder pads, big earrings, big hair and leg warmers.  All I remember of 1980 was an awkward start to high school, Duran Duran,  trying to find my place on the high school society rung, and experiencing my first kiss.  I still love 80's music and 80's movies - they resonate within me.

These days the teenagers are more informed - which is good, but also bad (they seem to lose their innocence so much earlier).  The language is worse, the makeup is heavier and the sexual innuendo is so much more defined - and yet laughed about in a nonchalant kind of way. Where exactly would I fit in to this modern, liberated, teenage life?  Would I be the "cake face" trying to boost my confidence by plastering my face with so much makeup a cake spatula would be needed and living off the comments of friends "you're so pretty", "no you are", "puhleese, look in the mirror!".  Would I be a "sporty spice" going for the athletic angle to fulfil my need to be accepted.  Would I be the "nerd", studying for perfect scores while living a whole new life on World Of Warcraft or Runescape.  Or would I be the "blender", who goes along with whatever is popular at the time, and changes appearance like a chameleon in the hope of fitting in.  All stereotypes of course, but at the same time, all real people.

On so many levels nothing has changed since 1980, but in so many ways it has.  The Internet has made it a whole new world.  But the underlying current that has never changed is the need to feel accepted, and the impact that self esteem has on the teenage brain.  If anything needs to be encouraged, it is the small sprouting seed of self confidence in a teenager.  How that seed is watered and nurtured ultimately leads to the adult that grows from within.

I don't know where I would fit in today's teenage world, it's a little scary to contemplate and I'm glad I was a teenager in the 80's when life seemed simpler....or was it?

love....

Some time ago I found a quote written by Sam Keen...

"We come to love, not by finding a perfect person, but but learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

This plus a  passage I read in a book recently...

"The love we seek overrules human nature.  It has a wildness in it and a glory that we want more than life itself" Jeanette Winterson "The Power Book"

...pretty much sums up love for me.  The ability to see someone with all their flaws, and still love them regardless, plus the raw animalistic need for that person...to me is the perfect love.

It's true, it's honest, it's deep, it's emotional and it's instinctual.  Love is not something to be frittered away and given to random people that come across your path.   Friendship, empathy, commitment, sharing and caring can be given to anyone.  But not love... love is something special...really special.  And I'm not talking about the love you have for family or really close friends, or pets...but that special love...that love that comes only once or twice in a lifetime, if you are lucky. 

It's all encompassing and robs you of any sense and balance.  It's what songs are written about, and movies made of...it's pure and unconditional. It lifts you up to new highs whilst pulling you in to your darkest depths.  It's what the body craves deep down and what the mind craves on an emotional high. It's the fine line between pleasure and pain...but more excruciating.  If you have it, hold onto it.  If you have had it and lost it, don't give up hope of finding it again.  And if you have never had it, keep searching, it is worth it.

"Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all"
 Lord Tennyson 1850

Missing pieces....

I was rummaging through the marked down items at the local Kmart this morning.  You can find some good items that have been designated to this forlorn trolley. There is nothing like the euphoria of finding a discount. The interesting thing I found this morning was a 750 piece jigsaw puzzle.  The box had obviously been opened, and the markdown sticker on the box said “1 piece missing”. The price was .51 cents. Not very exciting I know, but, there were so many unanswered questions that intrigued me. 

Now, I quite like jigsaws, I have several and occasionally pull one out.  I was intrigued by the jigsaw.  Firstly, how did they KNOW there was a piece missing??? Did they get some teenage casual Saturday employee to count the pieces??  Did they get same employee to actually put the jigsaw together to find out??  But, why would they say there was a piece missing if they didn’t know there was?  How did they KNOW!!! This led to other questions such as HOW did the box get opened in the first place?  The box was in good physical shape, no obvious signs of breakage. It wasn't an item that people open the packaging so they can see the product...it's a jigsaw, pretty straight forward.  Did someone buy the jigsaw and after excitedly getting it home and completing it, find that there was one piece missing and angrily returned it for a refund?  Too many questions with no answers.

I felt compelled to buy the jigsaw.  I wanted to take it home and put it together to see if there really WAS a piece missing.  I felt challenged. I wanted Kmart to be wrong.  I wanted to say “Hah! You don’t know what you are on about.  Do you think we believe everything you tell us?”  It didn’t bother me that there was one piece missing.  I have several others the same but that fact doesn’t detract the enjoyment I get when doing the puzzle.  You can still complete the puzzle, and one piece missing is fine with me.  When you get two or three, then it becomes a different story.

So, I bought the puzzle. 1000 Islands, the box said – which I Googled, and found that they are an archipelago of islands that straddle the Canadian-US border and quite possibly the area that 1000 Island dressing is named after. The picture, a man in a boat on a river in front of a stately manor was pleasant enough.   I momentarily wondered if the missing piece was his face, but decided I didn’t care.

I returned home, set up my jigsaw board (yes, I have a board for jigsaws) and began sorting pieces.  All the edge pieces were present, a bonus.  As I sorted pieces and started to put together the boat, I reflected on the similarities between the jigsaw, and my life. 

Overall the picture was pleasant enough, but the darker parts were a struggle, trying to pick the right bits, trying piece after piece to fit. I was becoming frustrated, angry and disheartened when I couldn’t get the picture to work. 

Other parts were a breeze, the picture coming together easily and with little effort which left me feeling elated and confident even though I knew I had harder areas that I had to work out and complete.  Through all this there was the thought in the back of my mind...I’m missing a piece. Light bulb moment!  Just like the jigsaw, I have for some time now...been...missing a piece.  I don’t know what the piece is, and I don’t know what the piece is for, or where it is missing from, I just know it isn’t there and I struggle sometimes to make the picture work.  Forever searching for the missing piece that would make me feel whole.

An interesting point (well, interesting to me, maybe not so much to you) when I was doing my matriculation, one of my subjects was art.  One of my friends asked me to do a painting for him.  My work was abstract, so, my idea, and my final painting was called “The Jigsaw Of Life”.  The canvas was painted as a jigsaw, with different colours representing the different experiences we are subject to in life.  Some pieces were bright, some dark, some light, some horrible – the same as life experiences are for each of us.  There was one piece missing, and this was cut in card, painted black, and stuck on top of the canvas...representing death...the final piece.  I gave the painting to my friend as a gift.  I always wondered where it now lays.

I don’t feel that my missing piece is death.  That is the ultimate “last piece” and one I don’t wish to find for some time yet.  But there is some aspect of my life that is missing, and I feel an essential, deep, longing need to find what it is.  I endlessly sift through the emotional parts in my life box, hoping to come across the elusive, integral piece that will make my life complete and whole, and finally complete the puzzle which is my life.

I finished the jigsaw.  There was one piece missing.